You are viewing coffeeseraph

How To Write More Gooder: Part 1.   
03:55pm 22/10/2008
  1. Write something.

2. Upon review, remove all ellipses ("...") as they are not correct goddamn grammar unless you are leaving something out of the middle of a quote. They are not an appropriate way to end a sentence nor are they an appropriate way to segue from one thought to another. KILL THEM. KILL THEM ALL. Even if you're just updating your facebook status.

3. Same goes for exclamation points. I do not care how exciting something was, the only mesage you send with an exclamation point is, "I am a thirteen-year-old who has just been introduced to MySpace for the first time and will soon ask you to be friends although we've clearly never met."*




*May be ignored, occasionally and with caution, by those who can already write coherently.
 
     

(7 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
No more Playgirl forever.   
03:11pm 05/08/2008
  Playgirl magazine, you've probably read by now, has officially ceased publication. I never actually bought it, but it's still a little sad. That special knowledge that I could get a magazine full of naked dudes anytime I wanted? Gone.

I never bought a copy, but I've got one "fond" memory of it. My freshman year of high school I unwisely signed up for marching band, where I lasted literally all of two days, but I used the bathroom in the girls' locker room. on one occasion I wanted to check out my pants or something, so I pulled the mirror to an angle, and lo and behold, pictures of naked guys with boners fell out. Since I was 13 my reaction was, "OMG WTF RUN AWAAAY," but now I look back on that day and giggle.

What will highschoolers giggle about now?
 
     

(2 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
I'm sure you can all relate   
10:49am 12/07/2008
  Sometimes, you're going through your iTunes making a Moving Mix, you come across "Gangsta's Paradise," and you sincerely don't remember how you got it.  
     

(4 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
Why to-do lists are wonderful   
04:27pm 20/06/2008
  Because apparently I would rather do things so I can cross them off rather than because they actually need to be done.

(Also, because I'm actually not that into having nothing to do. I'm much more into having stuff to do, but doing nothing instead. It's a fine distinction but an important one.)
 
     

(2 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
A challenge for Henry   
11:13pm 19/06/2008
  Now sing "We are the Village Green Preservation Society" like you're country-phase Bob Dylan.

...

Good job!



UNRELATED EDIT IN WHICH I SORT OF MOCK MYSELF:

I just realized that the new Wolf Parado album came out Tuesday so I was downloading it on iTunes, and the first line of the review was, "Recorded in the church owned by Montreal band The Arcade Fire..."

Oh, no.

Admittedly I bought their first album after listening to it on iTunes as a "you might also like..." from an early Modest Mouse album. I'm a tool, okay? But there's almost no modern band more consistently disappointing than the Arcade Fire.
 
     

(3 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
Indisputable proof   
03:12pm 07/06/2008
  I played piano competitively in high school. Yep, it's possible, and yeah, I won some shit. I also played duets, and my duet partner (whose name was also Alex) was one of Those People. She played piano AND violin really well--for a while she was the best high school violin player in the state. She got straight A's. She played tennis for her school and was good at it. She was skinny. She had boyfriends, and was of course more popular than me.

And for some reason, Facebook decided that I needed to be notified that she just took the "How Perfect is Your Life?" test and scored a 90%.

"How do YOU measure up? Take the 'How Perfect is YOUR Life?' test!"

Fuck no, facebook.
 
     

(1 lightswitch rave | the cheat is grounded!)

 
completely, completely ridiculous   
01:41pm 18/05/2008
  Since the iPhone came out, Henry has been talking about them. Ceaselessly. In the last couple of months, this has gone from "They're nice but no way! So expensive," to "Maybe someday I will think about it," to "When my current phone dies," to "OMG RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW."

There are no available iPhones RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW because they're about to release a new one, the internet thinks.

So Henry, in his excitement, has downloaded an application on his computer that shows how every website will look on an iPhone. He makes me look at something new on it like twice a day.

I'd say that I just wish he could get one already, but i know that when he does he's going to be showing me something new and "exciting" ("Alex! Come look!" "That's Facebook." "BUT IT'S ON MY IPHONE.") every five minutes.
 
     

(7 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
weeeeoooooooweeeeeeeeeooooooo   
09:05pm 01/05/2008
  It's the grammar police!

I'm taking a grant writing class, and in some literature (not directly from the class) on "style," it recommended that we not use the passive tense. No worries there!
 
     

(1 lightswitch rave | the cheat is grounded!)

 
Your prize!   
11:00am 18/04/2008
  To everyone who answered "What's wrong with this LOLcat?" correctly from my last post--which, technically, was everyone, though the answer I was looking for was "Cerberus was definitely not in the Illiad,"--I have a fittingly nerdy present for you.

The Latin Wikipedia.

Enjoy feeling ashamed at how bad your Latin has gotten.
 
     

(the cheat is grounded!)

 
Dorkery, LOLcat edition   
07:47pm 14/04/2008
  Find the error:

humorous pictures

First one wins... some sort of prize.
 
     

(5 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
An open letter to the couple on the street   
01:51pm 13/04/2008
  While your extremely loud screaming match was entertaining in a trainwreck sort of way for about five minutes, we are now going on about 25 minutes. Must you air your dirty laundry directly in front of my building, on a hot spring day when all the windows are open?

Seriously, just go inside,

Alex

UPDATE: Just went back into the kitchen after having the headphones on for a while, and they were walking down the street hand in hand. Argh.
 
     

(4 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
Launch party!   
06:17pm 23/03/2008
  I have a grownup blog now:

The Illegiterati.

I'll be writing largely about my neverending fascination / obsession with other people's religion. Pop by and give us some page views.
 
     

(2 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
music   
11:05pm 13/03/2008
  I just spent the better part of an hour putzing around on iTunes (where, no lie, every single album has four stars) and could barely find a thing I wanted to buy. I could barely THINK of something I was interested in, such is my apathy towards current music. I ended up buying something new and something old for the road trip to San Francisco, but realized that I need more music recommends*. Recently, I've bought and enjoyed TV on the Radio, Wolf Parade, the New Pornographers, Neko Case, Califone. At work I have been alternating Boys Don't Cry, the Downward Spiral, and Mermaid Avenue (Wilco & billy Bragg sing Woody Guthrie). The new Arcade Fire (Neon Bible?) was a total no-go.

Someone help. I just want something new that doesn't sound as bored and apathetic as I feel about it. What have y'all been listening to?



*Dan, I'm not buying the Nine Inch Nails quadruple instrumental album for a road trip. But I might bring the Downward Spiral.
 
     

(11 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
I hate that   
08:39pm 06/03/2008
  Ugh. A telemarketer just called, and when I said no thanks to his little speech, asked if my mom or dad were home. So I yelled some about being an independent woman and hung up on him.  
     

(5 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
Overheard in LA   
08:09pm 27/02/2008
  As I walked down the street eating my sandwich*, I walked past a club and passed a guy wearing the Douche Uniform: blazer with factory-ripped jeans. And right as I went by, he did something on his cell phone, closed it and said, "It's LA. It's an LA thing." I have the desire to punch strangers all the time, and this guy was no exception.


*A sandwich! I was annoyed, since I believe it is my inalienable right to go to any location in the Los Angeles metro area, walk no more than two blocks in any direction, and purchase a delicious and affordable burrito. Santa Monica sucks.
 
     

(2 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
I was cranky, OK?   
07:36pm 05/02/2008
  An ad heard on the radio this morning: "And finally, we've discovered a way to give her BOTH diamonds AND chocolate!"

Yes, it's true. Both are freely for sale, thanks to capitalism.
 
     

(3 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
I never post and when I do it's pithy   
07:27pm 22/01/2008
  Meme from Dan (aka mixmaster_morty). What, you wanted content?
Read more...Collapse )
 
     

(6 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
An open letter to the motorists of Los Angeles   
09:18am 18/12/2007
  TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS WHEN IT RAINS.

I know the water falling from the sky is unusual and a little scary, but can you keep it together enough to do this one thing for me?
 
     

(3 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
after the party is the after party   
09:44pm 10/10/2007
  Anyone who has ever spoken to me has eventually discovered my deep fascination with all things R. Kelly. If pressed, I might know all the words to "Ignition," and most of the words to "Trapped in the Closet." Without further ado, YouTube has brought us this:



Please note that he is wearing a hooded sweatshirt emblazoned with sparkly opera masks.

Enjoy and discuss.
 
     

(3 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)

 
On keeping relationships fresh and exciting   
10:45pm 27/09/2007
  Today I found that my boyfriend of nearly four (!) years, who I live with and who I see every day, is allergic to tarantulas.

CLARIFICATION: This is newsworthy because he's known this entire time, but somehow never mentioned it before. How do you not just talk about that constantly? I would.
 
     

(8 lightswitch raves | the cheat is grounded!)